Does God Really See Me?

I can't speak for anyone else, but in my own life I know I have a lot of questions. I have always been what could be referred to as a "deep thinker." I have a hard time taking words at face value and like to really consider what they mean. The intent behind them, what the implication (if any) they hold to my own life, and even whether or not the one speaking them fully believes the words they are saying. "Deep" thinking, or even "shallow" thinking can get us into trouble sometimes. I know personally, "deep thinking" can quite literally cause me to spiral into a sinkhole of thoughts. Pretty soon, I'm left at the bottom of the “deep thinking hole” which has me left in the dark looking through the eyes of another frequented guest in my mind called “insecurity.” Insecurity is defined as "uncertainty or anxiety- (we could go down a whole different spiral about that word in my life) about oneself; a lack of confidence." Isn't that where all questions arise? ...a lack of confidence? 

When we are in this thought sinkhole, it is easy to lose our ability to reason. Those of us who belong to Christ know that the Bible-the Word of God holds truth, but that truth gets blurry through the lens of insecurity. When we feel insecure, we feel alone, forgotten, ashamed, unstable, unsure and we have QUESTIONS. While many questions have surfaced in my life, one question I have had and want to explore today is this: "Does God really see me?" 

As a child growing up, I remember hearing this popular song around Christmas time with the lyrics "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows if you're awake, he knows if you've been bad or good-so be good for goodness sake." ...I don't know about you-but I think that's just creepy! Being the literal person that I am, I was fully convinced that while I was sleeping, this so-called "Santa," somehow found a way to sneak down the chimney not just on Christmas-but the whole month leading up to make sure I was asleep every night. As a pretty anxious child who happened to have the biggest fear of someone breaking in at night-this was not comforting! I didn't want a man I had never seen (regardless of his gift giving abilities) in my house lurking in my doorway. Looking at me. Watching me. Seeing me. To put it simply, I didn't want to be seen. Can you relate?

Have you ever not wanted to be seen? Or maybe even wondered if you were seen? I know I have. I'm guessing that you have too. I have found that the more I openly talk about what I feel or what I wrestle with, the more I find that I am not alone. In fact, I continue to learn about people hundreds and thousands of years ago facing many of the same emotions we face today. Let's look at some of these people together.

In the book of John, the Bible gives us some history on the calling of the first disciples. Following the calling of Peter and his brother Andrew, we are introduced to Phillip and Nathanael. In verse 43, Jesus starts heading towards Galilee. On His way there, He finds a man named Phillip and says "Follow Me." Phillip becomes excited and goes and finds his friend, Nathanael, and tells him that they have found the Messiah-Jesus of Nazareth. Nathanael is not so sure. He asks if anything good can possibly come from a town like Nazareth. Phillip challenges him to come and see for himself. In the next verse, Jesus sees Nathanael coming towards Him, and says "Behold, here is an Israelite in whom there is no deceit." Nathanael asks Jesus "How do you know me?" Jesus answers and tells him "Before Phillip called you, when you were under the fig tree, I saw you." Upon hearing this, Nathanael is overwhelmed with awe and exclaims "Rabbi, You are the Son of God!" You are the King of Israel!" Now, my curious mind wonders what Nathanael was doing under that fig tree. Maybe he was studying scripture or praying. Maybe he was resting. Or just maybe, he was in his own "deep thinking hole." You know; those moments you're on the ground, looking up, stuck out in the weather with your back against the wall (or in this case a tree)... Whatever he was doing, it must have been a significant moment in his life. Nathanael knew that there was no way anyone else would know about that moment aside from God. He learned an important truth that day. Jesus knew him because he SAW him. 

We see several times this truth revealed to us in the Bible. "I know" followed by "I saw." In Psalm 139 we learn more about the way God sees us and knows us. In verse 1, it says "O'Lord you have searched me and known me. You know my sitting down and my rising up. You understand my thoughts from afar. You know my path and my lying down, you are acquainted with all of my ways." Later, in verse 15 we learn God saw us even before we were born. "My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body." I don't know about you, but I think that's about as known and seen as it gets! Personally, I believe this to be true in my own life as I'm positive God saw me fighting with my twin brother in my mother's womb, and knew he needed to make me a strong-willed, fierce little lady to hold my own and keep up with that boy! He knew and He delivered. Haha!

 Even our innermost thoughts are not hidden from Him. While our thoughts can get us into trouble and cause us distress-verse 17 says "How precious are Your thoughts towards me, O' God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand." To put it simply, that's a lot of thoughts. We spend time thinking about things that are important to us. People that are important to us. People that we love. If God's thoughts about us are as numerous as the sand...think about how big that hourglass of time spent thinking about us would have to be to hold all of the sand in the world.

 That's how much God loves us. Just like Nathanael, we can be sure God knows us because He sees us.

Now, we know that we are seen by God; but what about the times we aren't sure we want to be seen? Afraid that if God knew and saw us in the middle of our mess-surely He would turn his back and shake His head. Convinced that we don't have good gifts and unsure why He would give them to us in the first place. Shame does that to us. We are taught from an early age after all-that if we are good-we get gifts. If we are bad, we get timeout...or coal...depending on the season of said bad behavior! God doesn't work like that. The truth is "God demonstrates His own love for us in this; While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8) In the book of Ephesians 2:8-9 it goes further and tells us "For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing, it is a gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast." His love is greater than our mess.

God doesn't turn His back on us in our messiness.  One woman experienced this powerful love and grace for herself. In Mark chapter 5 verse 25, we are introduced to a woman who suffered from a "flow of blood" for 12 years. Not 12 days. Not 12 months. 12 years. Any woman out there can understand how awful that would be! This poor lady had been seeking out many doctors and had spent all of her money trying to find relief. Her condition did not improve, in fact, it grew worse. Some of us know how it feels to suffer so much that we have tried everything. We wonder "is this ever going to get better?" "Does anybody care?" "How much longer can I keep going like this?" To make matters worse, during the time that this woman lived, culture would've deemed her "unclean." She would've had to have been separated from her friends and family and if she went into public, she would've been required to yell out "unclean!" as she passed to alert everyone to stay away. Talk about some stigma! I can imagine this poor woman wanted to be anything but seen. Everyone would've known alll of her "business." She was alone, isolated, and shamed. But then, something happens. She hears about Jesus. 

Jesus is making His way through a large crowd. Walking among many of the same faces this woman has spent years hiding from. Staying her distance and avoiding their condemning eyes. In this moment, however, the woman decides she is done hiding. She decides to take action and push past the crowd and the shame. She approaches Jesus' back and reaches out her hand and touches the hem of his garment. Saying to herself "If only I may touch His clothes, I shall be made well." Immediately, the woman is healed. This time, the back turned from her doesn't keep walking. Jesus turns around and asks the crowd "who touched Me?" His disciples with Him find that question rather absurd considering He was surrounded by many people touching Him and pressing in on Him. Jesus knows. The woman comes before Him trembling and afraid-and tells Him the whole truth. Jesus listens and then says to her with compassion:  "Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace and be healed of your affliction." 

 I strive to have that kind of bold faith. This woman could've easily remembered the past doctors, experts and failed attempts to make her well. She could've made the choice to throw up her hands in defeat and surrender to shame. She could've listened to the crowd and culture that told her she was too broken and should stay isolated and unseen. But on that day-she chose to have faith in Jesus. When she chose bold faith that day, she discovered she was not only seen but known. Jesus stops in the middle of the chaos, turns to her and calls her by her true identity: "Daughter."

Jesus sees us in our mess. He knows us because we are His children. When life gets complicated, and we feel alone-what if we remembered this truth? We have a Father who is present and watching over us in every moment. Who thinks about us all the time. When we find ourselves in our "deep thinking holes" wondering if anyone sees, we can be sure that God sees us. We don't have to hide and keep our messes covered. We can choose bold faith. Taking what is hidden in the dark and bringing it to Light. Trusting that the same God who was watching and working in these stories years ago, is the same God present in our life stories today. Maybe, we just need to look up to the One looking back at us to truly see that. Fixing our eyes beyond the broken, confusion and hurt and into the eyes of a loving Father.

 As mentioned earlier, I have a lot of questions. Maybe you do too. Perhaps, now that we have confidence in knowing that God sees us and looks upon us with love-we can ask ourselves another question "How are we looking to God?"

Choosing bold faith with you,

-Katie 

Psalm 121:1-2

"I lift my eyes to the mountains-where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth."